The Blind Side

I contemplated seeing Invictus, but realized that it will likely contain a lengthy, climactic scene involving a rugby match. I know nothing about rugby. 99.9% of Americans know nothing about rugby and this will likely cause confusion and chaos among moviegoers. I tried brushing up on the rules of rugby earlier today, to no avail, as I am still flummoxed by this pad-less, white-football kicking of a game. Why do they all lock arms in a giant crab-like mass, only to let the ball squeak out the back end like a gerbil turd? How much is a field goal? Is this an early 90s Abercrombie ad? It was simply too much to consider. Further research revealed that “invictus” isn’t even a real word. Well, that did it. I decided to stick with the more familiar “American football” movie (or as the rest of the world refers to it -“Soccer”… I think. Or is it the other way around?). No matter, Sandra Bullock tear-jerker hear I come.

This film is extremely long, and Bullock has the annoying habit of including her son’s name (“Michael”) in as many sentences as she possibly can. If you are sitting next to someone, or looking them in the eye, there is a good chance they know you are talking to them without having to hear their name appended to each sentence. The bouncy soundtrack gives us plenty of cues, especially on when to laugh. The movie is structured in service of the performances of the two main characters, but neither brings enough gravitas to their respective roles, so the movie kind of just breezes on by when nothing is “happening”, but stops and starts a lot along the way to make sure things do. That being said, this is still the best thing Sandra Bullock has ever done. It feels as though she has been killing time since “Speed“, waiting on the years to weather her face and gait, and that day is finally here as we see her slip easily into the role of a level-headed matriarch. It hits all the feel-good sports-movie cues in expectedly flat and predictable ways, with more than a dash of southern, down-home cutesiness to color the overall proceedings.

Does Sandra Bullock get Oscar-buzz points for having a smoke-creased mug? (also, I think her naked-window has officially closed… the only thing that 45-year-old tuches can arouse these days are the pens of “sag”-award voters…bing!) Tim McGraw is a rich country music star with a hot-ass wife, why did he agree to play the male equivalent of the Jennifer Connelly (put-upon wife) role? I think we all prefer the washed-up, angry drunk Tim McGraw we saw in Friday Night Lights. Maybe he doesn’t want to get typecast. It appears the time has come to seek counsel from the king of country-singer-to-actor crossover success, Mr. Dwight Yoakum.

On "The Plus Side", there were no vampires and no Opus-Dei-driven plot twists, which these days bumps your grade up an entire half star.

In a nutshell: If The Rookie and The Green Mile had a baby, and that baby was addicted to Xanax, it would be this movie.

See it: On Starz while hungover some breezy Sunday afternoon.

2/5 stars